Today I realized something as I stood at the sink washing dishes. And it hit me like a brick.
My life is so completely different than I thought it would be.
Not in a bad way.
A year ago, I was pregnant and lost. I had no idea what I was going to do, I knew that I wanted to do adoption but, I also knew it was going to be hard as hell.
I had lost so many people. My sister and I had fought and weren't on speaking terms. My mother has basically disowned me, and kicked me out of the house for choosing adoption. I had lost my ex husband, (although looking back, it's not a bad thing. Lol.) and I had lost control and didn't know what I was doing.
I fought myself every single day.
One day I was going through with the adoption. The next I didn't think I could do it.
But you know what? I fought. I fought really fucking hard. Through the pain. The depression. The kidney stones and month of on and off labor.
And I fucking did it.
I made the right choice and I put my daughter first before any single thing in my life, including myself.
I'm not sure about my beliefs anymore. But I do know, that I have been rewarded with so much in the process.
I have depression and anxiety, and I fight it every day. I have good days, weeks and even months. But I also have bad days, and weeks. I'm a mess and I'm not afraid to admit it.
I've had a hell of a month. I lost my aunt, and almost lost my mom.
But through it all, I have gained more than I could've ever imagined. So I just want to take this time to say thank you to the people who have helped me and supported me.
To my daughter Penelope,
Thank you for being the reason that I'm here and alive. For being the reason that I want to be so much more. For being the best thing that ever happened to me. You are and will always be the best thing I have ever done/made. You are beautiful and worth so much to me. I will and have always loved you.
To Kat and Lance,
Thank you, for raising our girl to be strong and independent. For accepting me as your own, and loving me more than I could've ever imagined. For being there when she was born, and loving her with all of your hearts.
To Kirsten,
Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for encouraging me. You are such an amazing woman, and I am so glad that you're in my life. Thank you for answering my late night texts and phone calls, when I just needed you. Thank you for spending last Christmas with me and your favorite niece. And thank you for being in the room with me when she was born. I am so glad that I shared that experience with you.
To Kelly,
Thank you for opening your home up and sharing your wife with me. I know I took her away a lot. Thank you for sharing your Christmas with my family. You don't know how much it means to me.
To Sarah and Rikky
Sarah thank you for being my bestest friend. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for worrying about my mom, and me. Thank you for always being there, and helping me search for my cats. Haha. Thank you for putting me in check when I need it. Thank you for answering your phone, when my power goes out and I'm scared. Thank you for distracting me while Bryce sets up a surprise party. And thank you for spending so much time with me, I have grown to love you both so much. I am so thankful that I have y'all in my life.
To Alexis,
Thank you for being My friend when I didn't have anyone. Thank you for taking me shopping with you. Thank you for being supportive of me placing P for adoption. Thank you for coming to the hospital She. She was born and seeing us, even though I was drugged up. You are a beautiful woman inside and out. Dj is so incredibly lucky to have you as a mom. I love you.
To Gina,
Thank you for being there for me in the middle of the night when I needed to go to labor and delivery. Thank you for being such a great friend to me, even when I didn't deserve it. Thank you for loving me, even when I didn't love myself. I could never express how thankful I am to have you. I love you.
And last but, definitely not least,
To my Bryce,
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for supporting me, even when I'm trying to push you away. Thank you for loving me when I'm cranky, and hangry. Thank you for holding me up when I didn't feel like I could stand. You are my rock. Thank you for loving me even with all of my baggage. You surprise me every day. Thank you for throwing me such an awesome birthday party. I love you more than words can express. I could go on and on about how much I love you. Thank you babe, I love you crocodile. 😘
