Sometimes Things Change

I always felt like a mother to my mother. At a young age, I went from feeling like a kid who was carefree, to a full grown adult. I remember too many times to count, putting my mother to bed and cleaning up the house. Throwing away the empty beer and liquor bottles. Cleaning up the spilt ones. 

I thought that it was okay. 

I thought that that was what I was supposed to do. 

I can remember the first time I felt like my family wasn't normal. A friend had asked me to stay the night, and I had to make up an excuse for why she couldn't. 

Funny how that one moment could lead to so many more excuses and strained friendships. 

My sister and I have always told each other that, we would never be like our mom. That we wouldn't repeat the mistakes she had made. 

I wanted to be the perfect mom. I wanted to always be there for my kids and never have to worry that they might think I didn't love them. 

Life never goes the way we want it to. NEVER. 

I tried. I really did. 

I thought I had had it all together. I was married and happy. Or so I thought. 

Then in a whirlwind everything changed. 

I've told people the story of how I chose adoption. But I told you the good side. The things that make me sound like a saint. 

But the truth is, I ain't a saint. 

I got pregnant by a guy I didn't even know. I made a drunken mistake with a guy who's last name I didn't know. 

What a mess I was. 

So I guess here's the truth. All of it. 

It started one sad lonely night. I was upset and had quite a bit to drink. I called a guy who's number I had. I slept with him. Wasn't careful. Didn't protect myself. And a few weeks later I realized that I hadn't started my period. I took three tests and they all came out positive. 

I bawled like a baby. 

I called my mom into the bathroom and showed her. She was shocked and didn't believe that I was actually pregnant. She asked me what I was going to do. I didn't know. I called the guy, let's call him joe. 

His number was disconnected. 

I freaked. 

What was I going to do??

So I did the only logical/stalker thing to do. I searched all over Facebook until I found his profile which had a number listed. I called the number and it went to voicemail. It was his. I sent him a text and told him we needed to talk. 

He told me if it was bad news he didn't want to hear it. 

So I told him I was pregnant. 

He responded and I quote, "get an abortion."

He said that to me. Literally the first thing he said to me. (What an asshole.)

He started calling me back to back. But I didn't answer. I couldn't. I didn't know what to think, much less what to say. 

So I ignored him. 

I thought about it all night. Was abortion really an option? I couldn't have a kid! I wasn't ready! I decided it was an option. So I made an appointment at a clinic. 

I went in. 

I sat in the room, by my self. 

I waited. So confused. 

And I got sick. Sitting there freaking out. 

I couldn't do it. I couldn't have an abortion. 

I got up and walked out. 

I went home and started thinking about my options. I looked up adoption. 

I found an agency's number and called them. They wanted to meet me and answer any questions I had. I agreed. 

When I told my mom I was thinking about it, she flipped. She cussed me out and told me what I was doing was wrong. She told me people aren't supposed to give up their kids. 

I was heartbroken. How was I supposed to go through with something I was already so hesitant about, if my own mom would disown me?

But I went to the meeting anyways. 

They picked me up, and took me to lunch. I asked a million questions and they answered every single one. (I had some bizarre questions, I assure you.)

I decided that it was what I was going to do. 

But I wrestled with it, so very often. 

Some days I wanted to just walk away and never look back. Some days I knew it was right. 

I fought myself every single day. 

When I had my first ultrasound, I cried. I went home and stared at her pictures and wondered how I could ever not be with her. 

It wasn't easy. 

Some days the only reason I was alive was because she was inside of me. 

I wanted to end it. I wanted to die. I wanted to never wake up again. 

I struggled with my depression and fought every day to try to push through. 

When I felt her move for the first time, my heart broke. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a terrible person because, in my darkest hours, I wish that I had never met joe. That we had never had a kid. And that I hadn't had to go through all of it. 

I went through it by myself. My mom kicked me out. She didn't want to talk to me. My family basically abandoned me. And joe was nowhere to be found. 

I had no one. 

Sure, I had an adoption caseworker. But at the time I didn't know if she actually cared about me, or if she just wanted me to go through with the adoption. I was skeptical about trusting anyone. 

I had major trust issues. 

But I guess the point of this was, to just say I'm not a saint. 

I made decisions that could've altered everything. 

I have thoughts that no one should ever hear. 

And yes sometimes I wish it hadn't happened. 

But I wouldn't change it. I love my daughter. I wouldn't change her at all. She is amazing, and is the light of my life. She makes my heart happy, and makes her parents so happy. She is the greatest thing I have ever done. 

But sometimes in the darkest times, in the darkest part of my mind, I wish things had been different.