Never in my life did I think at 22 I'd have a failed marriage. That I'd be the girl who couldn't even stay married for a year. That I'd marry a guy that I wouldn't end up spending the rest of my life with.
Never did I think that at 22 I'd have a daughter with a guy that didn't care about me or her. Or that I'd go on to place her for adoption.
Never did I think that I'd watch my daughter grow up through a series of pictures, videos, and seldom Skype calls.
Never did I think that I'd reach the low that I have.
I never wanted to be that girl who couldn't take care of herself. The girl who craves attention at 1 o'clock in the morning, because the demons in her head won't shut up.
I don't want to be that girl.
But I am.
I'm everything that I never wanted.
That I swore I'd never be.
I told myself that I'd have a happy family by the time I was 23. And here I am a month away from my birthday, with no connection to my blood family. A daughter who's life is in Georgia. A boyfriend who somehow manages to deal with my craziness, an ex husband, and college on hold.
How have I become this girl?
How have I managed to let these demons control me?
Lately I've been feeling like I'm drowning. Like I can't pull my head above the water.
Sometimes I feel like, maybe I don't even exist.
Maybe it's all a figment of my imagination and in the morning I'll wake up and be 18 again.
But I won't.
It's real.
I swore I'd never be anything like my mother. But lately I've been depending on my boyfriend more and more to feel like I have worth. Just like my mother does.
I stepped on the scale the other day and I am at my heaviest. I weigh more than I did at 10 months pregnant.
I look in the mirror and am disgusted with myself.
I'm not even sure that I love myself anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and love that he loves me no matter what I look like.
But as I've been told, how can I love someone else when I don't love myself?
Maybe I just need to fix me.
But maybe I'm too broken.
