The Quest To Feel Pretty

Sometimes in life we come to realizations.

Mine just happened to be at 4am.

I've never had the feeling that I was that "pretty" girl that everyone just had to be around. I've never had that feeling of comfortability in my own skin.

I mean sure I've had days when I thought I cleaned up nice. Or hey I look pretty today.

But never that feeling like I could get any guy I wanted or could flirt with any guy.

I've always had a struggle with my weight. In highschool I was severely over weight.
I struggled daily.

I was depressed.

And yes, suicidal. I self harmed. And it was not pretty. I have scars that remind of me that time.

I don't know if I ever got over that.

I had periods of time before I got pregnant that I was still depressed. And even up until I found out I was pregnant I self harmed.

I had times when I was pregnant that the only reason I was alive was because there was a tiny being inside of me. She was the only thing that kept me alive.

I wasn't happy.

To this day, the only time I've been truly happy was when I was holding my daughter and looking into those beautiful eyes of hers.

I still don't have that happiness of actually loving myself.

And you know what? It sucks.

So as I sit here thinking about relationships, I think about all the things I've done wrong in them. I've made some major fuck-ups. And to those I've hurt, I'm truly sorry. But it wasn't you. It really was me.

How could I ever love someone when I don't even love myself?

Yes I love my daughter, with all of my heart. But I don't love her with all of me. Because its not possible until I love myself.

I've tried to fake it.

I've tried to pretend I'm happy.

But I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of the fake smiles.

Of every time I look in the mirror I'm disgusted with myself.

I don't want to be this person.

I just want to be happy.

Is that really so hard?

You'd think it'd be easier.

So today I make changes in my life. I'm going to be happy. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But I will be.

Today I throw out the excuses. The avoidances. The reasons that I can't.

I have a reason to live. I have a reason to fight. To wake up in the morning, and fight the urge to stay in bed and mope.

And every fucking day I'm going to.

Because you know what?

I deserve to be fucking happy.

I don't deserve to feel like I don't belong here. That there's no reason for me to be alive.

I've thought to myself a lot, "who would even miss me if I was gone?"

And you know what? A lot of fucking people would miss me.

Because I fucking matter.

And even though this journey to happiness isn't going to be easy, and its going to be full of falling down, I'm going to make it. Because my daughter got her stubbornness from somewhere.

So today I learn to live by the words "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

Today I stop feeling sorry for myself.

Today I stop letting the depression control me.

Today I take steps towards happiness.

And today I start my journey to happiness and self-love.

Postpartum Sucks.

I never dreamed I'd be watching my daughter get bigger over pictures. I always thought I'd be the one talking her to doctor appointments, telling the world how big she is now.

But sometimes things don't go as we planned.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stronger for what I'm doing. And sometimes I feel like I'm a terrible person. Maybe its just the crazy hormones though.

Sometimes its torture seeing pictures of my baby girl in someone else's arms. And sometimes I feel like, damn, I made a good choice.

But no matter how I feel, in my heart I know that I made the right decision.  Even though my mind may be thinking something totally different.

Today someone asked me about adoption. I didn't know exactly what to say.

Then they asked me a question that broke my heart.

"But don't you love your daughter?"

I honestly wanted to shake them. Rather violently.

Of course I love my daughter. Look at her. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. My heart melts when I see her. She is all I ever think about.

I couldn't live in a world where she didn't exist.

So yes, I love her. Can't you see that I did this because I love her?

There is no greater factor in my decision, than love.

My daughter deserves to grow up in a home with a mother and father. A stable home, where she doesn't have to worry about 'is mom gonna be able to pay for school clothes?'

I couldn't give her that.

So I chose to make sure she would have that.

Please don't ask me if I love my daughter.

Because yes, I fucking love my daughter.

Learning Love

As a kid I always thought I knew what love was. It's that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you like someone, right?

Then as a teenager I really thought I knew what it was. It was what I felt for my first boyfriend, right? Always wanting to be together, and that rush of hormones when you kiss.

And even as a 'somewhat' adult when I got married, I thought I knew what love was. It was wanting to wake up next to that person every day, even when they didn't look so good or smell so nice.

Boy was I wrong.

I don't think I learned what love truly is until the day my daughter was born.

From her first cry, that made me cry, I felt it.

That unfathomable love. As a friend has said "it hits you like a ton of bricks." And it does. It washes over you, and from that second, you know that that tiny human just came out of you, you know that they are priority number one. Nothing and no one can take their place. You want them to have everything they've ever wanted or anything they will ever want.

You think about them for every second of every day. You constantly worry about them. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Haha.

I have never felt this kind of love before. This all consuming, take your breath away kind of love.

I had made the choice to do adoption before my daughter was born, but as she was born, I almost changed my mind.

And then that love hit me.
And I knew that this was the right choice. I was willing to put aside my feelings and suffer every day if I had to, to make sure that she was happy. I would do whatever it took to make sure she was safe and sound.

Don't get me wrong, I had put people I thought I loved first before. But man, this feeling was so entirely different.

I had told people I would die for them before, but this little girl, oh in a heartbeat I would. No second thought whatsoever.

From the second I heard that first cry I was hooked, wrapped, and super glued around her finger.

I hope that someday I feel that for someone I want to spend my life with, but for now I'm perfectly content with giving my daughter all of that love!

The Greatest Gift I've Ever Been Given

No this isn't a story about how one Christmas I got an iPod or and Xbox. This is about how one Christmas I was given parents who loved my child as their own.

My beautiful daughter was born on December 20th 2014, at 7:04pm. She was and is my world. But she's also two other people's entire world.

I never thought that someday I'd be watching my daughter grow up over pictures or video calls. I never thought that she'd live in a different state from me. But I made a choice, to give that beautiful girl the life she deserved. I grew up struggling, watching my step-dad go from job to job, where ever the money was. Don't get me wrong, sometimes we had extra money and could do fun things. But sometimes we barely scraped by. And I always told myself, "when I have a kid, they're gonna have anything and everything they've ever wanted." I had plans. Go to college, get married, have two kids, and be a teacher.

So imagine my surprise when I found out I was a month pregnant, by a guy I barely knew. I mean I barely knew this guys last name. I didn't even know his birthday! (Go ahead, judge me.)

So I had to tell him, right? Well that didn't go very well. He wasn't ready for a baby, and the more I thought about it, neither was I. So I started looking into my options. Abortion was a definite no. And then I came across a website for an adoption agency named Adoption Choices of Oklahoma. I was curious, so I gave them a call. I got a call back about an hour later, and we set up a meeting for another day. (I can't remember if it was the next day or the following Monday.)

So they picked me up, and we went to a McDonald's down the street from my house. I think I asked them a million questions about things I was worried about. They had an answer for every single one. Towards the end of the meeting, I knew this was the choice I had to make. And then began the process.

I'll never forget the day I chose Kat and Lance.

My caseworker/new best friend Kirsten and I sat in a Chick-fil-a around breakfast time. She had three different profiles for me to look at. Theirs was the first one I picked up. As I started to read it, I knew they were the ones. They had a big happy family, a cute little kitten, and man did they look happy. I'm not a very religious person, I believe in God and I pray. But I believe that day God told me, these are the people who were made to raise your daughter. I got about halfway through the profile and started crying my eyes out.

Kirsten asked me I was okay. I looked at her and said "these are the ones." She asked me if I was sure and if I wanted to look at any others. I didn't. I knew they were it.

About two weeks later we had our first phone call, I was too nervous to really even talk.

And then they came to visit for the first time. I was so nervous to meet them! And I had just been released from the hospital the day before with kidney stones! I was worn out, but I still really wanted to meet them. We met for lunch at a little Mexican place downtown. I'll never forget that Kirsten and Kat were talking about their sorority, and Lance and I just kept giving each other the 'kill me now' look. Ha!

The next couple days went really well, but I had the feeling Lance didn't like me very much. I was sad. So I asked. And I found out that they had gone through another adoption that hadn't ended well, and they were still trying to heal from it. So I tried really hard to get him to like me. After they left we were texting all the time. Then they told me they were coming down for my birthday! I was excited!

When Kat arrived we spent the two days before Lance arrived almost inseparable! We had dinner the day before my birthday with my friend Alexis. And I finally felt like Lance was starting to like me, haha. After that it was daily texts, and phone calls. We were very close!

As my due date got closer, Kat drove over to be with me. She helped me study and pass my GED! (I am very lucky!) And she helped me try all the ridiculous things to try and induce labor. I was so tired of being pregnant! Haha!

And then came the day I was induced.

As I watched how they paced, or waited, I knew that these two were going to be great parents. They were so worried about how I was doing, and if I was okay. Kat was consistently by my side asking if I needed anything, even just a hand to hold during a contraction. I think I truly fell in love with them as they sat with me. We talked, laughed a little, and I napped.

When I found out I had to have a c-section, I bawled. And they were right there to comfort me and reassure me.

After she was born and I was wheeled back into my room, I saw their faces light up as soon as they saw her. It was amazing. These people who hadn't known me ten months ago, were so in love with this little girl. This little girl who was not their biological daughter and they were just as in love with her as I was! They had waited for this moment and now she was our daughter.

I think she was our daughter from the very moment she was conceived. There wasn't another way for this to go. I wasn't supposed to raise her. There was a plan already set for us, and even though we didn't know it at the time, we were meant to meet.

I'm so blessed and lucky to have them in my life. They are amazing parents, and I love them.

A Letter To My Daughter

Let me start off by saying one thing, I love you. Three simple words yet they mean so much. When I say that I love you, I mean that I love you more than anything or anyone ever. There is no one or nothing that can take your place. There is nothing that will ever come before you. There is nothing that you can say or do that will make me love you less. Not even when you were trying to kick your way out of me, or the several times you spit up on me. Haha.

Now I want to tell you about the day you were born. (Don't roll your eyes, and say gross.) The night before I couldn't sleep at all, I mean you were about to be born!! So your mom, dad, and I started our journey to the hospital at four thirty am. And I was starving. (By now you've inherited the gene that makes you grumpy when your hungry. You're welcome.) So we make it to the hospital at right around five, and the nurse tells us we're not supposed to be there until seven! So we drop off all of our million and one bags in the room. (You know your mom.) And head out to find coffee. We end up at an IHOP, where your aunt KK joins us as we try to make two hours go by. I scarf down two pieces of toast, while your mom and dad order the most delicious things on the menu. (Maybe not, but at the time they sure looked it.) And we talk, as I stare longingly at their food. (Nurse said all I could have was toast.)

And somehow two hours flies by and we're back at the hospital. And the nurse puts in the IV and your dad tries not to pass out. Everyone leaves the room and the doctor breaks my water. And the contractions start. Boy were they painful. So we sit and wait. And wait. And wait some more. Every so often the nurse comes in and checks me and tells me how far I'm dilated. Finally after hours of contractions, I'm at a five and they start to give me the epidural. Your mom stays in the room with me and we hold each other very very tight as the anesthesiologist starts the process. At the this point I'm crying. Hard. And still she holds me as my tears and snot stain her shirt. Finally he's done and they have to help me put my legs back on the bed I'm so numb.

And then we wait some more. While being forced to sit in ridiculous positions and having a giant ball between my legs. Somehow I sleep for a little while. I wake up and its about 4pm. And I've made no progress. I'm still at a seven. My nurse tells me the doctor will check me again in an hour and a half, and if I haven't changed we might have to do a c-section. So I start praying that you'll move down, and start to come. But five-thirty rolls around and the doctor checks me and nothing has changed. And she tells me what I don't want to hear. C-section. Everyone comes back into the room and I start crying. I feel what I've felt most of my pregnancy. FAILURE.

My friend had just had a baby, and everything was so easy for her! Her water broke naturally. Her baby came naturally. Why couldn't I do that?? I couldn't keep you and take care of you, and now I couldn't even give birth to you. My heart was broken into so many pieces. I was bawling. I could barely get the words out to explain why. Everyone tried to reassure me and tell me that I wasn't a failure. But it's all I felt.

So the nurse comes back in and its time to go back. Aunt KK gets dressed in her silly operating room outfit. And they wheel me back. I'm numb from the chest down and they move me onto the table. I dry my tears and prepare myself as your Aunt KK joins me. She holds my hand as the doctor starts. I'm squeezing her hand as hard as I can, and then I hear the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. Your first cry. At 7:04pm. And I cry. All I want is to see you. But the doctor has to finish. She tells me that we made the right decision, because you were still really far up. Stubborn girl. (I don't know where you get that from!) Your Aunt KK takes pictures and is gushing about how perfect you are. She shows me a picture. I am in love! ❤

Finally the doctor finishes and they put me back on my bed. And then they hand you to me. You were (are) the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. And you stop crying as soon as I start talking to you. My heart melts. And for the first time in my life, I know what true unconditional love feels like. They wheel me back to my room and I see your mom and dad again. We are all in awe of you. We have waited ten months to meet you.

And then I do one of the hardest things I've ever done. I hand you to your mom. And she holds you. And I cry a little more. I see the love on her face and I cry a little harder. Then after a little while she hands you to your dad. And I see the biggest smile spread across his face. And I know. I know that you are loved. That you are safe. That you will be happy. And I stop crying. We all take turns holding you and gushing over how beautiful you are.

Then I feel it. I know that you are the greatest thing that I have ever done. And I feel accomplished. I made that gorgeous baby that everyone in so in love with. And I feel happy, and complete. ❤