The Quest To Feel Pretty

Sometimes in life we come to realizations.

Mine just happened to be at 4am.

I've never had the feeling that I was that "pretty" girl that everyone just had to be around. I've never had that feeling of comfortability in my own skin.

I mean sure I've had days when I thought I cleaned up nice. Or hey I look pretty today.

But never that feeling like I could get any guy I wanted or could flirt with any guy.

I've always had a struggle with my weight. In highschool I was severely over weight.
I struggled daily.

I was depressed.

And yes, suicidal. I self harmed. And it was not pretty. I have scars that remind of me that time.

I don't know if I ever got over that.

I had periods of time before I got pregnant that I was still depressed. And even up until I found out I was pregnant I self harmed.

I had times when I was pregnant that the only reason I was alive was because there was a tiny being inside of me. She was the only thing that kept me alive.

I wasn't happy.

To this day, the only time I've been truly happy was when I was holding my daughter and looking into those beautiful eyes of hers.

I still don't have that happiness of actually loving myself.

And you know what? It sucks.

So as I sit here thinking about relationships, I think about all the things I've done wrong in them. I've made some major fuck-ups. And to those I've hurt, I'm truly sorry. But it wasn't you. It really was me.

How could I ever love someone when I don't even love myself?

Yes I love my daughter, with all of my heart. But I don't love her with all of me. Because its not possible until I love myself.

I've tried to fake it.

I've tried to pretend I'm happy.

But I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of the fake smiles.

Of every time I look in the mirror I'm disgusted with myself.

I don't want to be this person.

I just want to be happy.

Is that really so hard?

You'd think it'd be easier.

So today I make changes in my life. I'm going to be happy. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But I will be.

Today I throw out the excuses. The avoidances. The reasons that I can't.

I have a reason to live. I have a reason to fight. To wake up in the morning, and fight the urge to stay in bed and mope.

And every fucking day I'm going to.

Because you know what?

I deserve to be fucking happy.

I don't deserve to feel like I don't belong here. That there's no reason for me to be alive.

I've thought to myself a lot, "who would even miss me if I was gone?"

And you know what? A lot of fucking people would miss me.

Because I fucking matter.

And even though this journey to happiness isn't going to be easy, and its going to be full of falling down, I'm going to make it. Because my daughter got her stubbornness from somewhere.

So today I learn to live by the words "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

Today I stop feeling sorry for myself.

Today I stop letting the depression control me.

Today I take steps towards happiness.

And today I start my journey to happiness and self-love.